It's the little things that matter. Like when someone smiles at you with one of those big smiles that makes you feel like you're old friends or they're excited to see you, even if you haven't talked in a while. It's moments like that, that can cheer you up when you're having a tough time with whatever you're going through, and those little moments can cheer you up and put a smile on your face when you otherwise wouldn't be smiling, those are really special things that are easily overlooked. I actually had one of those moments this morning.
I lost someone I was really close to earlier this year. She was my best friend and we did everything together. She was really cool and encouraged me in whatever I was struggling with and she was interested in and enjoyed all of the stuff I was interested in. I'm talking about my mom. I miss her, a lot. But I think about her a lot, and I think about all of those little moments we shared. I think about all of our inside jokes and the nicknames we had for characters in our favorite TV shows (that I think she came up with most of them, which makes the nicknames even better).
I think about all of the things we did together and how we would travel to the homeschool conventions with the art curriculum company she worked for and how I didn't enjoy them as much as I should have. She enjoyed them because she had a passion for art, but also because they were the only "vacation" we could get at the time and it was however many days of an adventure that we were able to have together.
I think often about how, if I was discouraged over something, my mom would go and find Bible verses for me to encourage me. I didn't really think much of it at the time, but now one of my favorite verses is one of the ones she found and gave to me to encourage me, and it's my favorite because she read it and thought of me. But now no one does that, and I miss that. And I love that about her.
And it's these little moments that we don't really think about much when they happen, these little moments that we don't cherish, but then something bad happens, something like this, and we look back and regret that we didn't appreciate them more. I know I do. Those homeschool conventions I mentioned? I had a bad attitude about them. But she loved them. And I was stupid, not realizing that it was the only vacation I would've gotten. And I went to so many places that I wouldn't have gone to otherwise. I did that all with my mom, and that's all that really matters.
Sometimes, of course, the little things aren't as happy of thoughts as thinking about how much fun we had with our favorite TV show characters or how much fun time we spent together. It's been hitting me a lot lately that she...she isn't here. You're probably thinking duh but she isn't here, she isn't going to see me get baptized in September, she isn't going to see me graduate high school, she isn't going to help me move in for my first day of college, she isn't going to read the books I've written. And the worst thing I ever did with my writing was keeping it to myself and not sharing it with her.
Now, as things are hard and getting harder, continuously getting harder and never easier, the greatest comfort I have is knowing that she's in heaven, and by the blood of Jesus Christ I'll be able to see her again. And that's truly the most beautiful thought I can have. She may be gone, but this pain and this loss is only temporary, because someday I'll be with her again.
Honestly it wasn't supposed to end up being such a sad post, and I could go on and on and on and probably keep going until it's time for me to leave for church, but this was hard to write and I almost want to delete it. I pretty much poured my heart out and that can be either good or bad, but I spent this much time writing this, I might as well let someone read it.
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